Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
