Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
