I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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