I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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