wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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