addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
