Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
