I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
