Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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