I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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