I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
