my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
