FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
