Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
