you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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