So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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