I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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