What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
