I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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