Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
