i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
