I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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