The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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