i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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