Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
