i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
pray to the hookup gods
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
