I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
