I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
