He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
