Just cropdusted the office
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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