he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
