Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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