I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
