When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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