moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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