i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
