I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
