believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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