We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
