i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
