Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
