my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
