Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
