Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
