I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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