shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
