I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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