Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
