she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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