Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I fill condoms, not promises.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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